[NW] Picked Up A Small Cannon Fodder Chapter 31 – The Creepy Uncle

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NOTE: There is baby talk in this chapter that I've opted to keep as baby talk. In the original Chinese, Li Jiyue mangles the words by mispronouncing them, which the author portrays by using characters that approximate the sound he'd make, in place of the proper ones. This is difficult to translate directly, so I've chosen to render it as the pronounciations of a little kid who has trouble with "r" and "l" sounds.

If a word seems nonsensical, that's because it is! Try to pronounce it out loud, and you should be able to guess what word Li Jiyue is purposefully mangling.

Jiang Fang took one look at the little piggy baby and immediately wanted to die. What on earth was this little guy doing? He hurriedly picked up the clothes the kid stripped off and went to put them back on Little Laba.

The young staffer beside him finally regained his senses. He saw that Jiang Fang moved about stiffly, and said, “Is the zipper bothering you? Let me help.”

And so, the scene changed. The staffer stood behind Jiang Fang helping him zip up the back, while Jiang stood behind Little Laba helping the kid get dressed. It was like a series of matryoshka dolls.

The kiddo was even incredibly unhappy that Big Brother was forcing him to put on clothes. He shook his chubby arms around, completely uncooperative. “Don’t wanna, don’t wanna, don’t wanna!”

Baby still had put on the Little Pig mascot costume! He didn’t need to wear clothes!

Jiang Fang shattered that illusion, and forcefully dressed him, before putting on his own bear paw gloves. “It’s fine now, go put on your costume quickly.”

They should be heading out in a moment.

The two costumes were tailored to their heights, but here, Little Laba faced a problem. After putting the Little Pig costume, he found himself unable to see his surroundings clearly.

The kiddo said, dizzily, “Baby can’t see.”

Jiang Fang took hold of the little piggy gloves, and wrapped them around his own bear tail. “In a bit, follow me while holding my tail.”

Little Piggy nodded. The staffer signalled for them to head out.

By then, Feng Tingyun had long arrived. He hadn’t expected his wife to have prepared a surprise for him. The middle-aged man [1] cried tears of gratitude. “Wife, you’re so good to me, meeting you was the luckiest moment in my entire life.”

The background music began playing promptly. The Little Bear and the Little Pig walked out together. Each held a ring box in one paw.

At first, Little Piggy was walking just fine, holding onto the Little Bear’s tail. But then, he started to feel itchy on his bum. He let go and began scratching through his costume, while Jiang Fang completely failed to notice that the kiddo had stopped walking.

When the kiddo finally finished scratching his bum, he was at a loss. Where was Big Brother? Unable to see clearly what was in front of him, the kiddo continued walking by following his heart.

Jiang Fang had already arrived in front of his uncle and aunt, and took out the ring box.

Wei Xue was even a little moved. She wiped away tears from the corner of her eyes. “From the start, you were always the one giving me gifts for holidays and birthdays. Now, I am giving you one.”

Feng Tingyun held out one hand, and Wei Xue slid the ring onto his finger. Feng Tingyun absolutely loved this gift. Tomorrow at work, he had to properly brag about his wife’s love and care.

But when he went to put the ring onto his wife’s finger, he found that the ring box was empty.

Feng Tingyun was left bemused. “The ring doesn’t come in pairs?”

Jiang Fang then realised that Little Brother had disappeared. Still, there’s no way he could walk out of the restaurant. There was no need to worry.

The three of them looked around for Little Laba, and finally found that Little Piggy had wandered off the path, gone north, and finally stopped in front of a potted plant over one meter tall.

The little piggy held out his piggy paws. In them, he was tightly holding a ring box.

To the ‘plant mom,’ he said, “Mommy, Baby’s here!”

The ‘plant mom’ ignored him. Little Laba anxiously said, “Qwickly take it!”

Wasn’t this the gift Mommy wanted to give Daddy? Why wasn’t she taking it?

Jiang Fang took off the headpiece of his costume and went to carry the little piggy back. The little piggy, though, suddenly held mid-air, began kicking his short little legs. “Put me down!” Still, Little Piggy was finally in place.

The ring was delivered, at least. Though there was a little hiccup in the proceedings, everything still went as planned.

Once Feng Tingyun had put the ring on his wife’s finger, the couple immediately went to help the children remove their costumes. Jiang Fang felt he should say something at this moment. He thought a bit, and said, “I wish Uncle and Auntie will always be happy, their relationship always remain this sweet.”

The child’s blessing was sincerely touching. Wei Xue couldn’t resist giving him a kiss. This made Jiang Fang feel shy, though it was hard to tell from his expression.

Wei Xue looked at Jiang Fang gratefully. “Thank you for your blessing, Xiao Fang.”

Feng Tingyun also give Jiang Fang a kiss in the same place, so that he could receive an indirect kiss from his wife. “Uncle also thanks Xiao Fang.”

The piggy baby who had finally taken off the mascot head saw the whole thing, and grew jealous. The kiddo sat on the ground and pouted as though he was wronged. “No one kissed Baby.”

Wei Xue laughed. Feng Tingyun teased him, saying, “Then be like Big Brother, say something nice to Mommy and Daddy.”

The little darling had no education[2] and didn’t know what to say. He looked towards Big Brother for help. Feng Tingyun turned that little face back to himself. “Daddy wants Baby to say a blessing from his own heart.”

From his own heart? The kiddo’s eyes darted around. “Then... Then Baby, Baby wishes Mommy and Daddy are happy every day, and have cake every day.”

For Baby, getting to have cake every day would be the height of happiness.

Once all the gifts were given, it was finally time to eat. After the meal, the couple left to re-experience that feeling of dating again, of being in a world built for the two of them alone.

Jiang Fang and Baby were given to the driver to look after. There was an amusement park near the restaurant, which was part of Wei Xue’s plan: after eating, they could go there to watch the fireworks.

Baby watched Mommy’s and Daddy’s backs disappear unhappily. How could they go secretly play without bringing Baby along!

Little Laba felt ignored. At least Big Brother was with him. He was definitely going to ignore Mommy and Daddy the whole day!

Even at night, there were still a lot of people at the amusement park. The driver drew the two children close to him, to avoid them getting lost. As Baby shook his glow sticks at the at the parade floats, he suddenly felt there was something wrong. He had to pee!

To better see the floats, the kiddo was sat atop Uncle Driver’s shoulders. Baby anxiously patted the uncle’s head. “Pee, Baby has to pee, Uncle let’s go!”

Uncle Driver was scared silly. “Little master, you must hold it in.” [3]

If the kid peed on him then it was all over for him. He hurriedly began looking for the restroom. Just as the kiddo could no longer hold it in, he managed to send the kid into one.

The driver and Jiang Fang waited outside. Little Laba took care of his needs and felt much better. But when he went to wash his hands, he encountered another problem: he couldn’t reach the sink.

Uncle and Big Brother were kicked outside, and it was stinky inside! Baby thought he would need to go out to ask Uncle for help. At this moment, the door to the next stall opened, and a shifty-looking man in his fifties walked out and locked eyes with Baby.

“Is little buddy here by himself? Are you having trouble?”

Baby pointed to the sink. “Can’t reach.”

The man picked up Little Laba so that he could finally wash his hands. “Uncle, you’re so nice.”

The man laughed. “Little buddy, how come you’re by yourself? Where are your parents?"

Little Laba’s heart skipped a beat. Mommy said, there would be bad people who saw how cute Baby was and want to steal him away. Baby can’t leave Uncle Driver’s side, but Uncle Driver was outside!

Little Laba finally grew vigilant. He cocked his head and said, “Mommy and Daddy... want a world with two people. They don’t want Baby anymore. Baby eats too much and they don’t have the money to raise me.”

The kiddo’s meaning was, please give up the idea of stealing Baby away, you can’t afford to raise Baby.

Whether the man was pretending or genuinely worried, he frowned. “There are actually this kind of parents. Little buddy, don’t worry, I’ll take you to find your mom?”

Here it came, here it came, Mommy had already told him what liars would say. ‘I’ll take you to find your mom.’ ‘I’m your parents’ friend.’

Little Laba was nearly frightened to tears. He looked at the door, then looked at his own short little legs. He definitely couldn’t outrun the man. Baby had to get this creepy uncle outside first, and let Uncle Driver and Big Brother teach the man a lesson!

  1. 1. The term used here (大老爷们儿) carries the connotation of average manly man. Not manly as in macho, but manly like the sort of guy in his 50s+ you'd see going down to the corner store to buy some stuff. Just Some Random Guy (tm). Also sometimes it has the connotation of like, a proper dude. Proper as in the kind of guy you see loitering in the shade with his shirt bunched up to his pits because it's hot outside. Sitting on some stool fanning himself and reading some newspapers. You know what I mean. Just Some Guy (tm). ↩︎

  2. 2. This term (没文化) means uncultured and uneducated, with the implication that the lack of culture is due to the lack of education, and sometimes also the implication that the lack of culture is why you don't get educated properly. Basically an idiot with no taste who is an embarrassment to society in general. ↩︎

  3. 3. The word he calls Li Jiyue is actually 祖宗 (ancestor). This is a 2-for-1 in which he's simultaneously being sarcastic with a term of respect and also demonstrating how desperate he is. ↩︎

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