This is a letter that you will never see because it was written in my heart.
Right now I’m standing on the ramparts of Dragon Gate Pass, watching the sky being filled with gunpowder. I can’t help thinking how good it would be if I could see you again.
Because I will be heading to Ten Thousand Miles Gorge soon and my life will most likely end there……
Sorry, Qing’er, I couldn’t stay with you for the rest of our lives, holding your and Nian An’s hand as we watched him grow up.
Actually, I wanted to do this more than anyone, but no one gave me this chance.
No, I should say that……god didn’t give me this chance.
When I switched identities with Ya Nu, I didn’t dare look into your eyes.
Because I noticed that your eyes would come to me from time to time, like a hot flame that burned me.
I didn’t dare look at you. I was afraid that if I saw your eyes, I would be unable to stop myself from telling you everything.
I didn’t dare touch. I was afraid that at that moment, I would pull you into my chest.
Even like this, I would still stick to your side.
Even being laughed at by the maids: Look! The eunuch and empress are together.
I thought that I wouldn’t be afraid as long as you were by my side. The soul was different from the flesh, but it was only a matter of perception and I knew that you would understand.
But I knew that I couldn’t do this. I could be the target of criticism, I could never recover, but you couldn’t.
The days that I wanted to give you should be watching you sleep when I headed to court in the morning and placing a kiss on your forehead.
Then after court, if you were awake, I would have breakfast with you. If you weren’t awake, then I would bring my memos into the room and watch you from the side.
At noon we would enjoy the flowers in the garden together and I could even go out of the palace with you if you wanted.
There was no need to be afraid because I was enough to protect you.
At night we could sing and drink wine. Although I said that it wasn’t good for girls to drink wine, I would let you have a small cup because you looked very good with a blush on your face……
From morning to night, whether it was extraordinary or ordinary.
As long as you were by my side, that was the life I wanted.
It’s a pity, Qing’er……I didn’t have that chance.
I don’t know if you’re doing well, I don’t know if Ya Nu has exposed the fact that we changed identities.
But I deeply remember the scene when we walked to the Cold North Palace together.
Your eyes asking me not to leave the Cold North Palace, the look of hesitation, and also the emotions that you couldn’t feel.
I knew, I knew it all……
Because the person standing in front of you was Du Jiu Sheng, so you had all those emotions.
So you would be uneasy, afraid, and unwilling……
Did you know when I almost couldn’t help telling you the truth?
It was when you said: How come your writing is so similar to big brother Jiu Sheng’s.
Silly girl, you still feel it’s similar even though I wrote it all crooked, what is your little head thinking?
God knows how much I wanted to pat your head, hug you, hug you, and hug you.
But I couldn’t say I love you again.
Because I couldn’t speak.
At this moment, when facing my imminent death, I close my eyes and sincerely pray.
If, if, if……
If there is a next life, if we can meet again, please don’t take away my memories and let me remember her forever.
And in the next fleeting life, let me recognize her right away.